It’s Over

It has got to the point that enough is enough…I really mean it…

A part of me really wished I never fell for her, I mean it. I still remember the situation clearly. I finished the group work during that afternoon and I decided to help her out with her coursework and that’s how it started. If I wasn’t kind-hearted, this problem wouldn’t have led to it is now. Once I fall for someone, it’s either two possibilities, either she’s the one or I really sink deep that it messes me up.

So what I’m going to say next…I’m really gonna stick to it 🙉🙈🙊

I am purely going to focus on my career from now on, and ignore any love that may crop in my life!!!
Yes, a pretty Chinese girl may appear for that particular moment or I ran into someone, and I act like I’ve seen the “one”, well no more! A part of me has accepted the fact at living a life for a single purpose and not having my other half beside me. I’ve been forcing my way into love for the past god know many years, and it’s been a pointless search. Out there is a girl who is waiting patiently for her right man and likewise with me, but I am done with waiting.

If there’s anybody who is interested in me in the near future, then I will think about the situation. But I’ve not lost interest but my motives to find love, because I’ve been “hurt” emotionally for too long. I’m the emotional sensitive person who feel things deeply and I can’t deal with it anymore. I’m the person who devotes my heart to someone, and I give my heart to the wrong person. I need to stop being good to people.

My career is the most important thing right now. Let fate or whatever to decide this. Finding my other half is not a 100% requirement in my life anymore, and I mean it. If I live my life single, then so be it.

In this lifetime so far, there are only two girls who I’d really wanted to be with and they are Nicky and Irene. Nicky is the Chinese girl who I’ve admired for a long time but I’ve already accepted the fact I will never be with her. Irene is the non-Chinese girl, who I fell for during my second year at university and if I didn’t have that “constraint” living a traditional Chinese life then I would have chose her. Regardless of this, I still stand to live a single life!

Goodbye cruel world!

Playing With Fire 🔥

What have I done? 😰 About 6 weeks later, and I’m still at a position where I’m nowhere ready for my exams, and that’s under two weeks. I have not taken the last 6 weeks seriously, and I’ve got myself to only blame.

While friends comfort me saying you’re just not confident that’s all, but really I’m nowhere ready, and even though those past six weeks I’ve been revising, most of it hasn’t sunk in at all. I lost my burning determination to strive for the final exams, and regardless how stupid the situation is now, I gotta sort it out NOW. Where did I mess up??

I know there’s alot to revise and lets say I’ve done my best but deep down I know I could have done better. A part of me says just fail it miserably cause I’ve already fucked it up. But there is a flicker of hope that I know that last push will finish the job. Today is Friday 29th May 2016 and I am determined to strive to finish off those exams in style. The last stretch 💪🙈

129 days left

129 days left and counting! Into the month before my final exams, what are my feelings right now? Well I can describe this as being stressed, tired, headache, confused, ill? The number of formulas and methods in accounting is ridiculous haha! There’s just so much the brain can intake, or maybe it’s just me?

Looking back what I wrote previously, it seems I had this “adrenaline” to keep going but I don’t know which I’ve been lacking that final push for my exams. It’s been 69 days since I wrote my other post, and now I realise time can change a person. Sometimes I doubt myself that I was “that person” three months ago or did I do that? I got under two weeks until exams, but instead I’m at home writing this blog, and what’s worse…not even being productive and revising. A part of me is saying it’s too hard and the other side is lacking the concentration.

In my mind it’s like a war and everything is fighting with each other, trying to determine the right answers. It’s like having a conflict of interest and what’s best. Some may say you’re trying to fight the devil within you? I’ve got a lot of unanswered questions in my mind and I keep fighting to find the reason behind it. I know I can’t give up because I’m so close at finishing this.

So you may be reading this and thinking he should be talking about his love life right now…and you are right 🙂 “I mean like I haven’t ran into anyone in particular in my final year at univetsity and maybe someone will turn up, who knows” Funnily I have ran into someone at university and she’s from China. She’s a sweet nice little girl but it’s ashame she’s returning back home after studies and maybe I haven’t tried hard enough to convince but also I haven’t even known her that long and I understand to determine a “relationship” or some sort of connection is too short of a time. A part of me wishes I knew her longer. Even since knowing her I’ve been practicing my “mandarin” and listening to more M-Pop songs such as 周杰倫, 王力宏 and 林俊傑. She’s a mature girl if I could describe her, she’s different from the other Chinese girls I’ve met for sure.

Maybe I should meet other Chinese girls, but that isn’t the original path I am walking. But with her right now, I would make an exception and accept her. I could even move abroad just for her but it’s such a big step and I can’t risk myself just for that girl. I mean what happens if it goes wrong between us and I would have wasted my time when I could have stayed in England. Is she the one? I would dedicate my whole life for that one girl only if I truly love her. It’s a risk I have to take. I never expected to fall for her sweetness. I guess I can say that for any other girl I’ve fallen for her too.

Even though she might not been the one, I feel it’s getting closer…I mean finding the right one. Maybe she’s waiting for me to say this: “你等我”.

她说

A current problem: Hyperacusis

Hyperacusis is the name for intolerance to everyday sounds that causes significant distress and affects a person’s day-to-day activities.

The condition can vary quite a lot. For example, some people find loud noises extremely uncomfortable, some find certain noises particularly annoying, some develop a fear of certain noises, while others experience pain when hearing ordinary sounds.

The condition may just be a minor nuisance for some, but for many it can have a major impact on their life.

Symptoms of hyperacusis

Hyperacusis can either start suddenly or develop gradually over time.

When someone with the condition hears noise, they may:

• feel uncomfortable
• cover their ears or try to get away from the noise
• feel angry, tense, distressed, or anxious
• experience pain – hyperacusis can be very painful for some people

Some people become afraid of sound and avoid noisy situations, causing them to become socially isolated. School and work life can also suffer as it can be very difficult to concentrate.

The upcoming exams have really taken its toll on me 😦 This intolerance for the sound and my sensitive ears to everything around me has annoyed me for a long long time. I never spoke about this, but searching this condition online, I matched most ofthe criterias above. I can’t study productively at all and there is less than 3 weeks till the exam. With so many students in the library at the moment also preparing for exams, there are individuals who talks or mumbles too loud, just can’t concentrate.

Maybe there are other factors that’s affecting my studies. Lack of sleep? Dieting at this period which is absolutely silly. Staring at the computer for way too long and not taking interval breaks. Other factors too.

At this point, am I meant to break down and give up?! Obviously not but I’ve definitely lost that study mentality I had around the February period. I was flying!!! 💪 What has become of me now 😥

Right now I’m on the train heading home to rest. Maybe the lack of sleep is an ongoing issue. Did you know I usually wake up before 7am everyday and sleep before 12. I won’t say there are mental limitiations, but rather my brain is scattered everywhere and the headache right now is killing me. I need 8+ hours sleep!!!

Getting Closer…

Getting closer? Yes exams are under 4 weeks away but I’ve been doing my best to revise as much as I can. It seems impossible at the moment but gotta keep grinding. Can’t believe my university life is almost over but what a journey its been..

On the Tuesday 12th April 2016, it was a long night. Talking to the girl I thought I could be with together. There a 1% of her staying but the remaining 99% is she’s returning back home which I understand. Although I did try I always feel I’m getting closer. I mean a step closer at meeting the right girl. I can almost grasp it.Hopefully the next girl I meet will be the one. Right now I’ve kinda lost hope to keep her but I will miss her when she leaves. I know it won’t be those movies where she’s about to board on the plane at the airport and her prince-charming comes out of nowhere and convince her to stay 😛

Right now let’s get through these exams first and my love life can decide after…

The Harsh Reality

I don’t know whether it was the right thing to do or not but I told her how I felt about her. The initial reaction? Haha my Chinese wasn’t that good but at least she understood what I meant. I didn’t expect any drastic reaction but that moment for me was very sad.

The next day my feelings towards her started to adjust slowly. Knowing myself if I like somebody I tend to stick like glue. The feeling was a bit awkward. One of my best friends was giving me advice and most of what she said was nothing but the harsh reality. The truth sucks but I gotta suck it up. In my mind I have this checklist which basically means I have expectations but those lead to disappointments. That’s the unfortunate characteristic of me…I have high expectations 😦

The reality is she ain’t staying here but returning back home. Hearing that makes me sad, but can I do anything to change it? Maybe?! But the question I keep asking myself is “is she worth it? Is she the one?” These are the questions that keeps repeating in my head. To be honest I won’t know if I put the real effort in but that’s the risk in it. I know it’s definitely the wrong time to commit my love to someone, with the exams creeping up each and every passing day.

Since college I have told myself over and over again that I MUST find a girlfriend before I finish university and look at now!? I mean I have less than five weeks until my university life is over. Gosh what a journey it’s been though 🙂

If I can’t find “the one” then I’ll try not force it because really I’m talking about spending the rest of my life with that one person, and if I can’t find the right one then it’s gonna be hell every day. Where will I find the right girl after university, like seriously? I remember a friend telling me once that focus on my career and everything else will follow. I really hope so you know that. Career is one thing and my love life is another.

Right now everything else is not important, except for studying well now for the next five weeks and doing well in the exams. Let’s see where life takes me…

 

Underestimated the Problem

In less than six weeks I’ll be sitting my final exams and I underestimated the time I needed. I admit I thought revising wouldn’t be that difficulty, but I now realise the challenge is a massive one.

Right now I’m sat on a computer in the library at my university on a Saturday typing this quick post up, when I could be potentially revising 😦 Maybe I’m procrastinating and afraid of the task in hand. There’s a lot to do I know, but within that time-frame considering the remaining five modules I have, it is suicidal!

I’ve tried my best at revising the past week or so, but my illness has prevented my revision. So far I feel much better than I was this time last week. The illness still remains within me and I can’t use that excuse to say I’m not revising efficiently. It’s the second week of the Easter break and time is flying way too fast!! Like literally this illness has taken its effect and I’m struggling to cram all the knowledge into my small brain across five different modules. Unfortunately in my final year, it requires not just numerical knowledge but also written! My memories have been terrible for the past year, maybe I’ve been thinking way too much.

Basically to sum up all the rubbish I’ve said above…I’ve fucked it! Man each day is flying by and forcing all this knowledge is not working. I’ve rested and attempted revising but it seems there’s something else bothering me in my head. Anyways the time is counting and I need to pray for a miracle.

 

Attached

Funnily I stumbled into a Chinese girl who I’ve fallen for. It is sooo the wrong time to fall for someone when my exams are nearby.

A part of me wishes I’d known her earlier. The last month has been nice knowing her but are there any mutual feelings? I shouldn’t be treading on thin ice right now, but what if I risk it and I can be with her?

Meh I’m gonna do my best to focus on my revision and the exams ahead of me. It’s not like my presence will ignite anything between us.

Lets see how it goes.