Thoughts of You

There are days when I feel really down and I don’t have anybody to turn to, and I wouldn’t open my emotions to anyone but I rather bottle it up inside. The only way I can really open myself is writing my feelings on this blog. I usually would turn to her and talk to her about my problems in life, but it doesn’t happen much anymore..

Ever since that day I told her about my feelings for her, it hasn’t been the same. Maybe it’s just me. I still can’t accept the fact but the more I think about it, the more it hurts. Even though I try my best to not think about her, there are times when I go onto the messenger app and write something to her but then I would quickly delete the message and pretend I didn’t write anything at all. Right now I would love to talk to her. She told me not to think too much about the future and I agree, it’s just…hard to bare what the outcome will be. As harsh as it sounds, I need to face reality and tell myself I can never be with her, even after 2 years because the one question I would love to ask is why would she pick me? *smirk

The only way I can move forward is to block you out of my mind. Honestly is that the only way…well I have admired her for a long time but I just gotta let go of my hopes and dreams. If I do decide to talk to her or the other way around, then I’ll be thinking about her for that moment. But for each passing day…the only real time I think about her is passing that one bridge after a long hard day at work. Most of the times the sun is shining is brightly at 5pm and I would see the ripples in the river which makes the scenery quite beautiful. The shiny reflection on the small river makes it a bonus and ever since I started work, walking pass that bridge always brought a though of her. I guess throughout the day, thinking about her at that moment crossing that bridge will be memorable enough. Maybe one day I shall take a photo crossing that bridge but for now it’s time for my departure, goodbye!

Facing Reality 要面對現實

Hey everybody, hope all is well 🙂 My today’s topic in particular is going to be a special one today. Do you know why? I’m gonna spend more heart on this one and express my feelings much more than usual, well besides my love issues lol. Most of the times I write my blogs in a rush and it’s hard to express my feelings in depth.

Facing reality. Well well well as harsh as it sounds life is tough. We have to go through the deepest struggle to get to the other side and what’s at the other side? Happiness? Love? Peace? Only you can decide that for yourself.

“If you’re unhappy, what is it in your life that you’re not facing?” That’s a good question, and I certainly have a straight answer for that. I’m not the most confident person out there who can face all their problems and turn each negative into a positive, but all I know is that I try my best in everything I do. Remember I wrote in my past post about what I want to achieve within 2 years, well that has a part to play to my unhappiness. I know things will take time, but the fear is going into the unknown and not expecting what the outcome will be. But what happens if you past that fear and you reach that outcome, but it wasn’t as expected as you thought? “Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows”. Since she told me what she had to on that fateful day, my heart hasn’t accepted it at all. That’s the thing…I can’t accept reality at all. She’s the girl I really love and like Rosamund Kwan 关芝琳, I wanna be her Andy Lau 劉德華 and treat her like a queen forever. Sometimes I wish I can sleep forever and my dreams would be fulfilled. Like I’ve said in my previous posts, I would stare at the blue or grey sky and ask myself so many questions: why, how, when, etc, but it has never came to a single conclusion. I know for definite I can’t be with her within these two years because our situations are different, but how about after? Just thinking about it is so sweet, but my biggest fear is losing her. She doesn’t know how important she means to me. I know whatever I say to her won’t change a bit, but I haven’t given up yet. “Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” She knows I haven’t given up because I’m a stubborn ass but as long there is a flicker of hope I will keep striving forward until I can be a better person. I sometimes wonder, shall I just move on because I’m getting nowhere…but for now I need to face reality that our roads in life are different and I hope soon our roads will cross…

After my love problem, there’s another I would like to share. This is the aim to achieve a lean fit body. Going to gym since June and trying my best to raise the bar…well life has taken its toll. Why cannot I achieve a nice slim body which I can proud of. (Here we go again referring to the past) what I achieved when I was 16 years of age was amazing, but I lost most of it due to my fondness of food over the years, and lack of determination. Sometimes I sit down and think “how the fuck did I manage to pull that?!” Since I have a bigger body mass than before, I guess this is a challenge to reduce my intake and train more. “There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other”. I’m going to attend the “Leeds Abbey Dash” in November and as there’s less than two months till kick off, I’ve been trying to kill 15 miles weekly on my jogging and so far it’s gone to plan. I’ve reduce my food intake but at a cost of my health, as for the past few days I’ve been feeling fairly weak and cold. The reality is that it’s going to be a tough challenge to reach my ultimate body when I was 16 years of age, and since my pride comes first…I’m gonna say this! If I don’t see results or lack that determination and fail myself before the “Leeds Abbey Dash”, I will give up on hitting gym because I’ve been trying to surpass that stage at just maintaining my body. I want to slim down and stay consistent on body mass but it’s not a fricking easy task at all. Since my time is limited from work and the food that is cooked so lovely from my parents, the road to achieve ultimate power is not an easy feat. It’s not like I’m getting paid to workout because if I did I would probably much harder, but unlike me Bruce Lee is one character who was magnificent at achieving ultimate power. Being weak is not an option and I must train hard! Can I achieve what I want in 2 months time? You just have to wait…

So Far So Good [Sept 2014]

Hey everybody I haven’t got a specific topic to write today…well actually I do but haven’t been updating regularly (sorry) because I’ve been living in the real world working for experience and money 🙂 Haha well besides that I’ve been busy preparing for an event and thinking more as usual…

I’m planning to take part of the “Leeds Abbey Dash ” and I know for definite it will challenging and put me on the spot. Not in that way but it gives me something to aim for within the next 2 months. The event starts in November the week before my birthday but I’m excited but nervous at the same time. The preparation required for this 10K race will be physically and mentally challenging! Hopefully I can shed 3 kg of overall body fat and feel leaner. Less weight = faster! Haha for the past few days I’ve been eating less and I’ve even stuck a paper on my work office saying “Don’t think about food” hahaha and my fellow accountant members laughed! I’m aiming to not go over 1500 calories daily…well I don’t literally count them but I try not to eat as much sugary or oily food and have a good diet. There will be days where I will eat oily food, but I will burn them off just like today. Me and my new Taiwanese friend ran just over 8.5 miles and I was exhausted, while he looked still fresh and ready to run more! If you’ve read my past posts you would know I have this selfish pride of mine, and I finally find a worthy opponent to get stronger with. Just like Vegeta in DBZ…a strong warrior and once he encountered Goku, everything changed. In my situation it’s not like I hate him but rather build myself and push myself to try surpass his power and prove to myself I can do it! Anyways there will be around 10,000 people attending this 10K charity race and looking at last year’s record, I say I can be in the top 3000 in this race as I know for definite I can run faster than 50 minutes. That can only be achieved through intensive cardio training, resisting gorgeous food, and training with lighter weights.

Guess what I bought? A new phone wahoo!! Well sorry HTC you was good…still good 🙂 Such a happy purchase with this “Samsung Galaxy S4 Mini”. I bought this on 16th Sept 2014 and let’s see how long it lasts with me. The current phone I have is the “HTC Desire 500″ which is a very youthful socialising phone, but lacked one major thing…internal storage memory. I bought this phone in early Jan 2014 and I told myself I would keep this phone for at least three years, but oopsy daisy something changed. I even splashed out £200 cash on the HTC phone, and I felt sad handing over that doe to the staff at Carphone Warehouse hahaa! Hopefully I can sell it but I know I won’t gain any profit from it. Anyways my new Samsung phone…well what can I say? It’s classy and I’ve been using Samsung for a while. I used Samsung Phones around for 3 years and after that I moved onto Nokia in mid 2011, which for me personally was one of the best phones around at that time which was durable and reliable! The new Nokia phones I really dislike because of the Windows 8 operating system and I just can’t use it! Well I don’t even own a laptop which uses Windows 8 because I’m still running Windows XP retro haha!! Samsung has kept it quite consistent and I really like the aesthetics, and Samsung for me over the years have not lost this touch at all! I bought this much cheaper than retail price and that’s why I made this happy purchase! I haven’t started using this phone just yet, but will do tomorrow when I transfer and download apps for my new phone. That’s why I wanted to write this post because I know tomorrow will be a busy day! Since buying this new phone I need to re-activate my Facebook account and make sure the phone sync all the necessary data across, so I haven’t been back in the digital world of Facebook since “25th August”, which personally feels good aha.

Last but not least I was browsing on my Twitter to find any happy or loving quotes and I ran into these two:

“Just because we’re not talking, that doesn’t mean I don’t think about you every day”.

“Seriously can’t wait til the day I’m sitting in my own house with my own car and a beautiful family and I can actually say, “I made it.”

When I read these two I was like smiling at myself. To be honest for the past two days I’ve been thinking about her and I really want to talk to her. But why not? I don’t know…I don’t want to say I haven’t had the time because it feels rude. I’ve been focusing doing the daily things in my life and I haven’t included her in it. I mean there are much more important things than love, but I don’t know why but it feels weird not talking to her. Back in those days, I use to talk to her much more often and now…well I guess we’re all grown up and the world we know is becoming much more complicated. Like right now its 11:20pm and I could talk to her but it’s late and I know we can talk for a while at times, but I choose not. Remember when I talked about choices in life. There are two roads we can all take in life. I can either talk to her or go to bed. Ha I need to push myself tomorrow morning to get out of bed and go jogging at 8am in the morning. Need to prepare for the event within two months time. It’s an excuse I know but I need my sleep to stay mentally prepared. I just think I’m selfish at times because I’m just doing things for me hmm I’m not sure 😦 Goodnight la!

(Such a coincidence that when I was writing this post last night, I was thinking about going to bed straight away, but she popped up and was talking to me >.<” Gosh both of us were knackered but deep down I was glad to talk to her even if it was only a few minutes. Anyways take care everybody, off running now! 🙂

My Anger…my experiment

It’s 1:05am in the UK and I need to wake up before 6am to get ready for work. There are so many things running through my mind, and most of it is anger….I rather put my focus on pushing myself at the gym…and this is the experiment. Since I know I will be sleepy and dozy throughout the whole day tomorrow, I want to see if I can manage to take my anger and channel it to commit to my cardio exercises after dinner, and later on the night focus on the upper body pumping up…. Hey hey I was expecting to wake up late the next morning but I woke up at the normal time for work. I expected work to be the usual thing, and I would keep quiet. BUT you see, the thing that is great about my workforce is the managers that are in the same room as me are very lively and talkative haha! 🙂 I think no matter how shit the day is, they can shine a light on me and make me smile. Although it’s been over a good month at my work placement it feels like I’ve known them for a while and we get along very well. After work..ahhh that feeling haha..so gooood! 😀 I don’t feel tired but I have that determination at achieving what I want. Even though coming back home with a burning passion of anger and having my only one desire at achieving ultimate power, I was able to concentrate at pumping up straight when I got home. I did a quick workout around 15 minutes before I went back downstairs to watch a bit of “Top Gear” on TV and having dinner with daddy. Given around 30 minutes to rest and to digest sufficiently, I went to meet my new Taiwanese friend who lived nearby and is also a great runner like me, but better. It’s good to have competition and that motivation to push me to reach my goal. Ran 5K at 27 minutes which is decent, but as I always say..I expect much more of myself. Well what time is it now? 9:30pm. After this sentence I’m going upstairs to pump up on tone up! And a blast of loud Grime music to keep my burning angry desire lit. I only managed to pack in 15 minutes in the gym. But it’s better than nothing right? You know looking back now [16.09.14] the anger has subsided but that burning passion still burns on. I will remain strong inside and achieve what I want in life the most. There are many things we all want in life, but it will take time and to really get the things you want, you have to work towards it.  

At Least I Tried…

You don’t know if you don’t try right? Well this morning I was walking to work and it takes around 20 minutes. Within these minutes, the one thing that was running through my mind was that I needed to see her since she would be going away by next week. I knew I couldn’t make anymore excuses and I thought I text her. I was having that feeling beforehand that this meeting won’t happen. And result? She was busy which I expected and I wasn’t feeling bad about it…well abit haha…and I guess it had to be another day which I don’t know when. I even wore smart clothes on that day haha! But hey at least it’s worth a try! 🙂

Opportunities

If you saw an opportunity would you take it? Opportunities in life are there for you to take them. “Real opportunities are the ones that we don’t immediately see. They come by at the most unexpected, mostly inopportune, times. We are so obsessed with other distractions or our own opinions that we normally miss the majority of opportunity that falls across our path”.

Life is full of opportunities so don’t say we didn’t take them, we were just too distracted or never appreciated it. In certain circumstances there’ll be two roads we can take, both leads to different paths but in the end we can only decide to choose one, there’s no turning back. The simplest example is, “think before you speak”. Simple…I don’t need to explain myself, you know what happens if you do speak or stay quiet in a situation.

Growing up I never acknowledged the opportunities I had, it could have turned my life 180 degrees around, but I didn’t. When I was a kid the environment influenced me the most as this led to the character I am today. I grew up in the “hood” like we all call them, and you may think yeah you’re a badass then. Partially I agree but that shaped my character which personally I feel it has both positive and negative influence. I could have avoided this bad “habit” and probably be bullied much more as a kid. Besides mentioning I was bullied at high school in my previous post, I was bullied too in primary school, and that shit I can never go through again in this lifetime. Even though writing it now, it sounds I could have changed my ways when I was younger, but at that time I was young and I was easily influenced by anyone or anything. During my early high school years, I turned out to be cocky and daring and doing stupid things which I won’t mention here lol!

High school at that time was difficult for me. I had two options in my mind. Either be a douche and get bullied easily OR join up with people who would decide my fate. It wasn’t hard to choose to be honest. Being a geek and a badass wasn’t as bad it sounds. I easily gained respect from people and that was great…respect has to be earned. Going to a multicultural school with different backgrounds was scary because I didn’t know who to hang around with. At that time there were very very little Chinese students and I didn’t even know them properly and they did look like the douche type who would succeed later on in life, but suffered the short-term consequences at being bullied or being tormented regularly. You see, I refused to be tormented and bullied. Throughout my high school years, I learnt to grow stronger both physically and mentally, that’s why I like to refer myself to as Vegeta haha. I could write my high school years in much more depth, but since I don’t have the time, I guess some readers will never understand the full extent of the struggle I had to go through. I wouldn’t say I had to live my life in utter fear, but more like looking behind my shoulders. I wish I could have changed my ways when I was younger, but there wasn’t a really an option and now here’s the result haha, I’m me.

I could have been a little feeble boy with spiky hair with no dress sense, but a brain that could solve simultaneous equations easily…but I never chose that. Growing up has taught me to be strong. I respect that decision, but is it totally late to change?

 

Let’s talk about my love life wooo wooo! If you want to read on me please, but if you’ve heard enough from my previous posts haha, then please press the red cross at the top right corner 😀 I won’t talk about my first love which occurred during my primary school time hahaa, that feeling of falling inlove when I was younger was describable 🙂

I’ll be honest okay, I’ve fallen in love quite a couple of times, but never took the opportunity to go out with them. Do you know why? It was my pride and it’s still is! I want to wife a Chinese girl and yes I’m traditional lol. It has been stuck to me since I was born and I can never ignore that, even though it may sacrifice my happiness at the end.

I think I must have fallen for at most 6 Caucasian girls during my time at high school and I haven’t been sitting on this computer desk counting each one because that would be absolutely stupid to think of my past lovers lol, it’s about what’s ahead of me right now that counts. I still haven’t found the one yet but there’s one I haven’t given up yet because I’m stubborn as hell. There were at most six Caucasian girls I could have dated (not all at once haha) but I was a flirt back then too haha and since at that time I had an amazing physical body, that attracted them more..I think 😛 During my P.E (physical education) lessons at school, there were times when us boys and girls had to be in one gym hall because it was raining outside, and it would be very awkward in a sense because I wanted to impress the girls I had a fling with lool! During my time at university so far, I haven’t flirted as much haha, and since it’s so open and we’re mature I don’t do that shit much anymore and I don’t have that drive like I use to. Even though there are SO MANY Chinese girls at my university they don’t suit me haha, but I did fall inlove with two girls. One who was Chinese and I knew I could have created a spark with but I messed up. The other girl is who I still have feelings for her now isn’t Chinese but is ________. We’ve been through hot and cold and personally in another lifetime I would like to hold onto her forever. But in this lifetime I cannot. It hurts to let go but my heart is set on a Chinese girl and I do have someone in mind but only time will tell.

A few days ago I decided to talk to her and it’s been a few weeks since that fateful night. It felt a bit strange talking to her but a big part of me was missing her. Normally I would have said it feels just like yesterday since we last talked, but this time it felt like forever. Even though that night we made it clear with our future, I told her no matter how bad the world gets, I would still want her. It sucks but I still care for her as a friend.
Apparently she lives near to where I work on my placement and I do hope that she didn’t see me walking like a douchebag in the morning or worse running my ass off to catch the train after work haha I doubt that! Maybe lunchtime but I didn’t see anyone and even though if she was around I was more focused going to the bank or the usual shopping for foood! 🙂 See I could have taken the opportunity to ask her out during my lunch break (not in that way) but to see her smile once again, but that never happened. Seriously?! Imagine me actually asking her out to catch up? I’m so shy and seeing her again haha, I be struggling to speak to her. Maybe one day…one day when I grow my hair haha. Actually I can’t use this as an excuse lol. I don’t know actually, I feel…I’m sorry, I think I’ve wrote enough for one day…goodnight peeps

 

I Love Hong Kong 80s!

Hey everybody, I just want to share my Instagram account which some of you may already know. Basically I’m a big fan of Hong Kong 80s (80年代) and I post photos of artists, actors and actresses, etc. I’ve posted over 800 photos so far and still going, so if you like LESLIE 張國榮, DANNY 陳百強, or ANITA 梅艷芳, etc etc please show some love 🙂

 

http://instagram.com/ilovehk80s

Delete愛人

My Saturday 🙂 Watching this film and appreciating the people who I love around me much much more.

Thinking, thinking…and more thinking

Gosh feels like it’s been a while since I posted, but hope everybody is well! If you want to ask how am I…well so far so good I guess 🙂 You wouldn’t expect what happened from the past few days haha.

Basically I had to renew my train monthly pass to get to work, and the process was a bit more complicated than I originally thought. I had to get a confirmation letter that I was an university student and that was ridiculous even though I had my student ID with me . Anyways when I was sorting everything out at the train station, the elderly female staff asked “how old are you?” And obviously I said I was 20 and her response was 20!!!!! She seemed quite surprised, so unless “I’m really too young to be feeling this old” – Drake 😛 I didn’t exactly ask did I look too old or young, but I do look old. I know some people wont believe me, but when I was 16 at high school, some grown-ups thought I was around 20/21 because of my “train tracks” on my forehead. Now that im 20 (almost 21) I probably look around 24!!! Haha maybe its because of my short hair after going bald in mid June 2014 and I look old.

After a long day at work on Tuesday, I walked to the train station and there was a seat next to this young pleasant girl who was talking on her phone to somebody. There was a seat next to her so I sat down. Playing on the phone like what everyone does, I overhead her convo (sorry lol) and she said this “you’re so weird, you need to open up you know”. I was sitting there and when I heard it, I was just smiling at myself because basically that just reflects me as a person. Sometimes I wonder how do my good friends put up with me cause seriously I do act and talk weirdly to them. And the “opening up” part hahaha well I definitely need to open up myself..sooner or later I will have to!

I’ve wrote a post on what I must achieve within 2 years times and tomorrow I will start to take my first driving lesson. A bit nervous yes, but these are challenges we all must face in life. You know…when the days are quiet, I sit there and stare at the blue sky and just think. To be honest I still think about her. Even though she made her point clear on that fateful night, I just feel the chapter hasn’t finished yet. Within these two years a lot can happen and I know what I need to do. I don’t need to write about what I need to do, it’s just written all over her face. That day will come, I just don’t know when…

“Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of your life!”.