算什麼男人

你算什麼男人 算什麼男人
眼睜睜看 她走卻不聞不問
是有多天真 就別再硬撐
期待你挽回 卻拱手讓人

你算什麼男人 算什麼男人
還愛著她 卻不敢叫她再等
沒差 你再繼續認份
她會遇到更好的男人

Opening Up: My Loneliness

I normally don’t think about this but the more I think about this problem the more I’ve felt I need to write this pain down. To be honest this feeling has just crept up recently but this problem has been lingering in me ever since when I was in high school. What I’m going to write about isn’t going to nice, and I do hope people don’t change their thoughts about me after this especially if she’s reading this. The topic of today is loneliness.

The funniest people tend often to be the saddest.

Beside stories of Robin Williams suicide due to depression and other factors mentioned on the web, I do believe the quote is true. The funniest people tend often to be the saddest. The kindest are the most lonely. It’s really sad. Unfortunately this is me. In my formative years well even now I would always like to crack a laugh with my friends and close ones. I use to be an attention seeker always trying to go outside of my barrier and be popular, and I admit it was a great feeling. That surge of confidence. But most of my friends never saw through me…the real me…I use to have a few close friends where we really understood each other but those days are long gone now, and it’s just me. Why? Through each “phase” of my life a good friend seems to disappear, and eventually another one will enter my life, but now? I have no close friends…only friends.

I really do find friendship important but maybe this is a factor behind my loneliness over the past years. We all have ordinary friends who are there at work, university or events etc, but having that one friend regardless if it’s a girl or guy, who can be there most of the time and understand you and stick with you is someone I really can’t find. There are days I treat Nicky more than a friend and there are days I find myself not talking to her as much I would like to and it hurts me because I can’t fact the fact of losing her. She is a great friend, someone who is quite close but my feelings seem to run off course when I find myself talking to her.

Going out to face the world is sometimes daunting because of the environment you are not use to or even meeting new people. Well that’s me obviously because I am not open to everyone. It’s like I wear a different mask every day but the one I would like to wear which reflects me as an individual can never be worn because I lack anyone to talk to. I must say that growing up working at my parent’s takeaway has locked me away from the social world, and has made the person I am today. I never had the chance to go out to socialise and that robbed my personality which some people may think I am dull and from your view you must agree. However if your life depended on working for a living then you wouldn’t have had a choice and you wouldn’t like to see your own parents suffer in front of you right?

Most people aren’t actually anti-social. They choose to be alone because they hate spending time with stupid people.

A few years into working in the takeaway, life decides to give me a chance to experience this “social” world and it wasn’t a great experience at all. Meeting these so-called friends which my outside mask smiled and cracked a few laugh, but inside my thoughts were “why am I hanging around these type of guys?” They were pushing me out of my barrier and in some context that is good but being somebody else who you don’t want to be wasn’t the right approach for me. Maybe I should go out exploring and maybe one day I will open myself but it hasn’t clicked in yet. Maybe I never had the purpose to make normal friends at all ha. Now that I have one year left of my university course, the friends I knew would say keep in contact, but a majority never really do and life moves on.

The worse time of the day of my loneliness is actually around this time. All the questions in my head runs wild. I tend to reflect my life and what I’ve missed out on and what has the future got in store for me. At the end of the day we are all lonely I guess it depends on our surroundings.

I live in a peaceful area where I can rest my mind. There is minimum trouble. My brother lives abroad. My parents are becoming older. My close friends are disappearing from my life, and I’m just left with friends I have to wear my pretend mask every day. I’m not that open like I was in my younger days and going out partying and socialising isn’t my thing at all. I’m pretty much lonely, but not completely sad. I am blessed with my life and the people I still have around me.

Sometimes I think in my head do I suffer from depression really? There are days I really feel hopeless and helpless and always asking what is the purpose of this life. Obviously we all will have our days when we are feeling low and I’m like that but don’t worry I should be fine. There are 3 things in my life that keeps me lit:

1. My burning ego at doing things I need to do e.g. my music and keeping fit and strong
2. The positivity in life of chanting – buddhism
3. My desire for her love keeps me burning

You may not believe me but if I didn’t have the goals of keeping fit, making music, or even have the desire to want her, then what is really the purpose of my life? There are things in life I am aiming to achieve and this eases the pain of my loneliness. It keeps my mind occupied on the things I desire in life. Suppose she wasn’t one of my goals, I think I wouldn’t reach my goals easily. Yes writing lyrics she has play to part for my motivation and even keeping fit and getting stronger. She is my motivation and I hope one day she knows that.

I guess loneliness gives me the time to reflect myself as a human being but I think I’ve had enough time to reflect myself or more time is needed maybe still? There have been two situations that has shaped the person I am today and these are because of being a victim of bullying when I was younger, and growing up without the openness and the opportunity to socialise with others.All I know is I’m lonely and I’m running out of time…

465 days left

Well well it looks like a month has passed since my last post of 495 days left, and is there any difference now? If you say how would you compare yourself to the person you was a month ago, I would say…

To be honest in a month time, things can change us or certain things can happen without us controlling it, and when I look back it makes me chuckle. I know at this present time I am getting closer at achieving my goals and obviously the feeling is great! When I look back now there are parts I think I should have done instead or even better but it’s all part of experience.

It’s kind of weird hmm. Everytime I write a post about countdown of the time I have left, I’m dreadding the outcome. I shouldn’t think much about what will or could happen in the future but just take each day as it comes.

Ever since the end of November work at my placement has been restless and just yesterday I finished all my tasks and it feels goooood!! 😄 It’s busy and there are days I’m under pressure or stressed but since it’s been almost a good 10 months, I have built the efficiency in my work and the experience so far has been great, just left with the pain to write an esaay at the end for all of this blah.

Well it looks like the end for this post but I have a good feeling the next countdown post will involve tons of fun -.-” take care y’all

The Pressure is on

The pressure is on. I will achieve the goals I have mentioned previously but with the limited time I am expected to do it in will be a challenge. It seems far away but the more I think about it, the more closer it becomes. Can’t imagine when I finish!

• In the process of obtain my driving license and driving soon ✓
• Train hard physically and improve my cardio so I can surpass my 2010 image ✓
• Complete my third mixtape ✓
• Go soul searching and once I find her, I won’t lose her ✓

These are the three goals that can be realistically achieved before August 2015. Concerning the other goals I have not listed above I will try my best to aim for those, but piortising which is more important it’s unfortunate my ego is in the way and I know I should be rather improving/learning mandarin instead of making my music. I’ve already made two mixtapes and I have another two in total lined up and I MUST complete 17 songs to complete the overall project. Seems a big job and that’s why the pressure is on me! I always high expectation of myself and would like to be over-satisfied with my final mixtape which one day I can look back and say…damn did I make that!!? haha.

I have exactly less than two months for my driving test and since I’ve booked it not long ago, this has also put the pressure on me to complete the things I need to do. I’m almost time up with my work placement and I’m back to university afterwards, so with the “free time” I have now I must not waste it and do things efficiently. I don’t even want to imagine the stress and frustration of the final year so I will leave it at that.

Since going indoor rock climbing it has strengthened my core strength and it shows there are more improvements to be made. I’m going to try sign up back at the gym and improve my strength and cardio. Actually that’s going to clash with my music objective…hmm I’ll figure a way out, like I always do. I’ve already mentioned previously, I’ve lost 6kgs in weight and I feel like when I was at my prime state at the end of high school, but there is still a long way to surpass that state until I am beyond satisfied.

The last goal above which I have deliberately not bold is a test of time and patience. It is an ongoing process. Even though at this moment of time I’m thinking about her when I’m writing this I cannot lose her at all. She is at the point in her life when she will face the world and find a job and even possibly the right person to be with and I intend to be there when it happens…a year later ouch. I just pray she waits for me.

Rock Climbing

On Tuesday night my uncle decided to invite me along with other friends to go indoor rock climbing…and I must say it’s pretty intense haha! Besides going gym, this exercise is fun yet painful. The next morning my back, biceps, and forearms were aching the most and I was expecting it, but would never expected to ache until now! Even at work I was struggling to open doors and I had to use two hands. Even though I sound pathetic but it is true, my forearms were in pain. Me and the lads were definitely in there rock climbing like monkeys for over an hour.

Personally my stubbornness allowed me to fight to the top. When I fell down (I forgot to mention there were no ropes attached) I got back up and tried again and again until at one point I had one rock left at the very top and I fell down quite high and landed awkwardly, and I knew at that point I had to give up. Not because of that but my fingers especially were aching at that point, along with my forearms. To be honest I should have been more patient and balanced when I was rock climbing but since it’s been my first time my aim goal was trying my best to reach the top.

At one point my uncle (who’s a joker) said to me “hey you’re wife is up there” and he gave me a funny look haha. I turned back and climbed up the rocks. Fell off and climbed back up and every time I progressed a bit higher than previous, until I think it was the forth attempt there was one rock left at the very top where I had to leap to grab it. But I was out of energy and I lost my composure and fell off landing awkwardly, and yep that’s when I knew I had to give up…

It’s funny you know why? When my uncle joked about you’re wife is up there, I was thinking of that one person…and that was you Nicky. I almost got to the top to get you but I fell off so I do apologise haha. It felt like you was my motivation to reach for the top and in my life you are my goal. No matter how many obstacles there are in life I will fight through them all and get you. When I do I’m not letting you go okay.

Goal half achieved

• Improve my Cantonese and Mandarin language, and importantly writing ✓
• In the process of obtain my driving license and driving soon ✓
• Train hard physically and improve my cardio so I can surpass my 2010 image ✓
• Polish my character so I can be a better person ✓
• Try my best to treat and reduce the acne on my face ✓
• Go soul searching and once I find her, I won’t lose her ✓
• Chant more daimoku and support others x
• Would like to learn to cook x

Remember the goals I have highlighted a few weeks back. Well I’m half way through at obtaining my driving license 🙂 I sat my theory test this morning and happily I passed. Wanted to get full marks but I’m settling for 96%. It’s awkward. When I left the test center this morning, the first thing I did was to tell you first. I don’t know why. It’s a shame it was early in the morning and you was still snoozing away lol. After telling her the good news, I went to to contact my brother who he’s at the other side of the world and he was happy with me too. I mean telling her first…does that mean I still have feelings for her? Yes. Is she still an important person in my life? Yes.

I don’t know why when I talk to her I feel positive. I mean usually there are days I feel kinda rubbish and negative but like they say, she lights up my life ha! Sometimes I think she is the one for me but really am I the one for her? I already know the answer to it but it’s a worth a try.

One thing I find funny talking to her is about the near future or what our plans are. Regardless if we’re meant to be together or not, it’s quite interesting to talk about our visions and where we could possibly be in the near future. I won’t explain what they are here but all you need to know is our paths are different. Maybe in a short-term but in terms of long term then that’s out of my powers, only time will tell. I do hope our paths after 2 years but for the time being, let’s live our lives separately and seek happiness. What will happen will happen and if it doesn’t then God will show there is a greater purpose in life….but after all this I really do want to be with her hahaha.

The 20 Things You Need To Do In Your 20s

Your twenty-somethings are the prime of your life. You will never be as young as you are right now, and there will never be a better time for you to embrace all that the world has to offer than this age of freedom. Yes, freedom. Forget about the accusations that millenials are lazy, unmotivated and lack drive.

We all have growing dreams, previous accomplishments under our belts and an ever present sense of urgency to achieve exactly what we want. Your 20s aren’t an excuse to give up on dreams and let go of ambitions. Instead, these years are the time to put it in full throttle and hit the ground running to set yourself up for future success and happiness. If you’ve ever doubted yourself, now’s the time to let go of insecurities and uncertainties.

Here are the 20 things you need to do in your 20s:

Be you.

Your 20s are the perfect time to find yourself, if you haven’t already. Take some time to be on your own and learn about yourself, and most importantly, learn to love yourself. Be unique! Don’t try to fit the mold and blend in with everyone else. Be sexy; be bold. Make your presence known.

Struggle.

Blunt and to the point. Don’t let your struggles define you, but let them happen. Misfortunes make you a better person through the lessons they instill. Troubles will come and go; they are not everlasting. If you’re struggling through tough times, things will only get better.

Eat whatever the f*ck you want.

Screw the diet fads and constant pressure to look like the skinniest models on the runway. Working hard to become healthy and get into shape is one thing, but relax with the strict dieting. Eat whatever you want, and don’t think twice about it. You will not gain ten pounds because you ate that delicious chocolate chip muffin this morning. Food is good. Indulge in a little gluttony sometimes.

Date someone completely wrong for you.

Dating is fun! Don’t fear blind dates, or people that don’t fit “your type.” Go out with someone unexpected and see what happens. You could fall in love with that one quality that you never really noticed. You might be surprised at just whom you fall for. Even if you end up turned off and bored with the person, at least you have a funny story to tell.

Do something purely for the thrill, and maybe more than once.

Be a thrill seeker; don’t play it safe. The feeling of excitement is fun and enjoyable. Take some risks, and don’t fear the result. Sometimes going out on a limb and diving into a thrill-seeking experience makes for the best memories. You might not get enough and want to do it again. Just remember — depending on the risk you take — everything is best in moderation.

Keep moving.

Your 20s are definitely not the time to settle. Keep moving; do not slow down for anyone or anything. When you settle down in a certain relationship or way of living, life becomes stagnant and soon enough, less exciting. Keep moving to keep up with the quality of life that you deserve in your 20s.

Travel the world.

There is nothing more rewarding or fulfilling than traveling. Travel the world; explore unfamiliar territory. Soaking up new cultures is one of the best learning experiences, and it opens your eyes to the quality of life in different areas around the world. You might always have time for travel, but there is no better time to explore with all the freedom in the world than in your 20s. Who knows, you might even come across a place that steals your heart away and you’ll never want to leave.

Love your parents, thank them and repay them.

Your parents have been the guiding force to your current place in life. Love them for all that they have done for you up to this point because you will hopefully be taking a stronger lead in your life, specifically financially. Thank them for all the times they supported you financially, or personally, despite any poor decisions you may have made in the past.

Most importantly, your parents expect nothing from you in return for all that they have attributed to your growth as an individual, but take it upon yourself to repay them in any way you might see fit.

Spend good, quality time with your family.

Your family has been, and will always be, present in your life. Friends and romantic partners may come and go, but blood is forever. Take advantage of your freedom during your 20s to spend some quality time with your family and maybe even get to know them better, now that you’re older and more mature. You will cherish the times with your family when you eventually become the eldest generation.

Mend the open wounds.

Let go of the bullsh*t in your past. Look at your 20s as a clean canvas. This is a time to release any negative feelings holding you back from moving forward. Heal any open wounds that remain, and accept that there is sometimes no resolution for certain situations. If there might be a way to mend an open-ended problem, then make the attempt. Do whatever you have to do to feel free of any negative restrictions.

Meet a sh*t ton of new people.

New people are the spice of life. Everyone is unique in his or her own way and with every person you meet, there is added excitement and flavor in your life. Take it upon yourself to meet as many new people as possible in your 20s. You might meet your future hubby or wifey, or maybe simply start lifelong friendships.

Make unforgettable memories.

Your 20s are a time to immerse yourself in as many new experiences as possible. Make unforgettable memories with your friends, old and new. Now is the time to try as many new things as possible. Expand your horizons.

Continue to follow your dreams.

After years of deciding what you want to do you with your life, you may still be undecided on what exactly that is. Despite indecision on what career path to choose, your dreams are ever present and more than likely becoming more prominent as you consider where you want to end up in the coming years. Use your 20s to make your dreams a reality. Strive to do all that you can to fulfill your dreams, and always remember that no dream is too big or out of reach.

Be a sponge.

Not only are your 20s a good time to get to know yourself, but also a good time to get to know the people around you. Spend quality time with you friends and acquaintances, take an interest in their lives, listen to their opinions and develop genuine relationships that you will remember forever.

Pick up a new hobby.

Use your 20s as a time to really get to know yourself and maybe discover some new interests. Explore some new hobbies. Maybe take a few lessons on how to play an instrument, how to paint or how to work a particular computer program. You never know what pastimes you might fall in love with and seek to make something of!

Don’t dwell on the negatives.

Downfalls are inevitable. When the negatives outweigh the positives, don’t dwell on it. Remember that life goes on, and you have never been in a better position to remove yourself from negative situations and to move forward than you are right now in your 20s.

Give back.

So much of the population on this planet is not as fortunate as you may be. Allow your 20s to be the years that you lend a helping hand to the underprivileged. Whether it be a donation of some sort, or you decide to travel to a poverty-stricken country for six months out of the year, do something to make a difference and give back to the community.

Cherish the people who have always been there.

When all is said and done, you will be able to count your most genuine and trusting relationships on one hand. While you’re busy meeting new people and exploring new places during your 20s, don’t forget to cherish the relationships you have with the people who have always been there for you. These are the relationships that deserve the most attention and effort to keep them blooming.

Trust only a few.

While trust is a good quality to have, there are only so many people in this world that you can trust with your life, or even with your most precious secrets. You’re going to experience a hell of a lot in your 20s, and you should always be careful who you choose to confide in. In the end, everyone looks out for themselves, and you can’t always be sure who will or won’t look out for you in the meantime.

Live in the moment, without fear or expectation of the future.

Above all, live every day of your 20s to the fullest. Relish the moment and make every day worth living. Do not look ahead to the future with worry or expectation, as you could likely set yourself up for disappointment. Live every day to its greatest potential, as if there will be no tomorrow to make it right.

The Near Future Plan: With o̶r̶ ̶W̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ You

What My Plan Was…well at this very moment I have a clear mind set on what I would to achieve after graduating. I’ve been doing some research. It is quite similar but my blueprint for the near future is starting to pan out. I hope you’re reading this because you’re in this 😉

When I always use to write about her and relationships in general I have never highlighted the importance of one thing and that’s the “stability” of a relationship. What I mean is a relationship is not a walk in a park and it will always lead to highs and lows which in mine I will be expecting. It’s not lacking confidence but knowing my own personality I dread the day of the fights and arguments but knowing now I hope I can prevent it and charm her. She has mentioned to me previously about focusing on my career first and everything will fall into place after, but this is the part where I’m afraid. Do you why? I might lose you in the process.

Right…if all goes smooth I will come out with a 2:1 degree in Accounting & Finance. I have no desire to do…..long pause……I’ve been just researching more on the web and I could POSSIBLY do a masters (MSc) Economic and Financial Analysis at Manchester and after that I could go search for a job at that level and hope for the best. BUT WAIT I have discovered something even better. Alright I’ve decided haha, similar to my original plan committing to an Association of Chartered Certified Accountants (ACCA) is more juicy and ideal. Do you know why? Apparently the qualification itself is far greater than a masters degree as this is a professional qualification with many different elements included in it. Besides a masters degree just involves an extra year worth of knowledge, but not the raw experience itself.

SO AFTER GRADUATING the plan is NOT going down the masters degree route but is to finish off my remaining six ACCA professional papers, since at my university the exam papers I’m sitting are ACCA standard. But I cannot sit my ass at home and wait around for 2-3 years until I qualify fully as a Chartered Accountant 😦 I don’t know the exact process to finish off the exam papers externally after university but that’s the plan. Unless I find companies which are able to “sponsor” me to study for those papers and work at the same time. It’s going to be difficult and do you know why? The work placement I’m currently at, the accountants are having a hard time to revise and at the same time working on their day-to-day job. If that’s the only choice I have I will commit myself to it for the benefit of my future.

If you’re ever wondering why am I going through such a hard time at sitting these professional papers and wanting to be a Chartered accountant? Well there are two reasons for this.

1. One is the money compared to a bachelor’s degree is far greater and the competition out there is tough as it is.
2. The second reason is for the future not just for me but for my family one day. I want my girlfriend hoping in the future I can proudly call my wife live not an easy life but a happy life not worrying about financial problems. I don’t know what the future will hold, but family to me is very important and as a man it is my job to make sure my family is happy and financially secure.

In terms of getting married, well that’s well into the future haha. All I know I intend to get married and start a family before the age of 30. Sometimes I can’t wait to start a family of my own. But at this stage of my life, my main piority is focusing on my career. It’s great to think ahead sometimes, probably looking back this one day, I’ll just smile.

I don’t want to think negative, but most people won’t be able to land their dream job they really really like after graduating, but I hope I can be lucky enough to be the 1/100 to possibly get a job as a Financial Analyst. I will need to qualify as a Chartered accountant and afterwards everything should fall into place to work in my dream job as a CHARTERED financial analyst. Going through ACCA is no easy feat I tell you. I need to have passed all 14 exam papers and had at least 3 years worth of experience. Knowledge is power.

So at the end of all this that is why I am scared of losing you. It is a process to achieve great knowledge and wealth but like they say, take things one step at a time. This one step – choosing a goal and sticking to it – changes everything. I might get lost in my everyday job and I don’t want to lose you in the process. Do you finally understand? I wish I can say this to you in person, but you’re important to me. At this point I don’t want to feel negative at all. At this moment of time I know things between us isn’t good but I have a good feeling things will get better in time. I can’t promise I will always be there to make you smile but I can say this…..by taking this one step today I am doing everything for you and I intend to not let you down because deep down I’ve always…loved you.

When you least expect it…

Last night I attended a Buddhist meeting which the last time I went was a few weeks before I flew to Taiwan so it’s been some time. A part of me never wanted to go to the meeting because of my obvious excuses and those were that I’m tired after work and I’ve kinda lost faith in myself.

Surprisingly I didn’t expect to run into the same girl that I fell for a few months back “Someone Else“and during that time I really felt like giving up on the one I’ve been chasing for a while, lets say even years. I just couldn’t let go and move on even though I knew there wouldn’t be a chance with us. It felt strange when I saw her again. She sat at the front in the room. I stared at her and she stared back. It was a weird situation but all I did was look away and chuckle to myself. At the same time it didn’t feel like the same as the first time, seeing her was a surprise but the feeling was dead. I told my uncle to stop mocking me with her because deep deep down I know I can never separate myself with her…Nicky.  Obviously I don’t tell my friends about you but rather keep my feelings bottled up and just express myself on my blogs hoping you can be reading this.

Although I may have reclaimed a bit of my faith by attending that meeting last night I realised something important. “我好想你知道，無論點樣我唔可以失去你” No matter what happens I cannot lose you and I mean it. No matter how far you push me away I will always be coming back and the harder you push me away, the more I will come back wanting your love and not losing my faith. I am stubborn and I won’t give up. “如果有一日我真係好想娶你” I still stick by this and you know that I still want you. There are days that I feel I’m not worthy for you and at this moment of time I’m useless towards you, but give it 2 years and I will be somebody who you can be proud of to be with. Going to this meeting has made me to think a bit more wisely and take on things when they arrive. Forget planning ahead because things never go to plan and constantly thinking makes me worried for no reason. At the end of graduation where will I be? Do you know? Well I don’t know but I really hope when that time arrives I will be a changed person who can feel worthy to her and plan to be with her for a long long time, hopefully even forever. All I ask from her is…will you wait for me…

If there’s hope or no hope, always strive forward and think positive.

 

A simple life? Not anymore

It’s got me wondering at this point of time that a simple life is rather preferred at a later stage in life than now. I need to spice up my life but sticking under this house has made me “boring” and unsociable”. I guess a big role that plays in this is my father whose life is really really simple and that’s affecting me as a person. As a retired individual life will slowly become simple, and putting me in this circle has fucked me up. BUT not anymore! Once I get my driving license I can’t wait to travel a bit further and hope I can take somebody with me. I need to plan something to do every day because right now I’m either getting shouted at just sitting playing the comp or training too hard upstairs. Really? I live in a quiet environment and partly that’s a good thing but the bigger picture is I need to get out more often. Maybe she was right before and I’m starting to agree with her. Anyways I’m heading off, I need to do something else with the time I have than sitting here on the computer messing around.