Different Paths

Today I’ve started to realise something. It’s finally happening. Remember when I once said that in my mind I have you, but actually my heart can’t accept it…well I’m starting to feel it. Although you may think I’ll be upset in this situation but I’m smiling right now. Why? I’ve held onto something which wasn’t really there but letting go to it has opened my heart now. A part of me has now accepted reality that having her is not possible. It’s not giving up believe me. You just can’t force things to happen, and looking towards the future we are walking on different paths.

I think both of our personalities are wanting things to go our way and our personalities will clash if we’re together. I knew this day would come. Even though in a year time things can possibly be different but I still believe it won’t change anything. She has her eye on that area of job which involves business and finance but so what. I just had this funny thought in my mind that maybe one day we’ll stumble into each other when we have the same clients aha.

I remember I wrote a post about the near future and where would you see yourself in five years time? I believe she will be at the other side of the world working abroad and enjoying her life. I mean with her academic potential, there’s no limit how far she can go but that’s really dependent on her strength and spirit. She could be married in five years time who knows!
While for me I believe I would have graduated to be a fully qualified ACCA (Association of Chartered Certified Accountants). Studying for my remaining six papers after university and gaining three years relevant work experience, it looks like a viable future ahead of me. But will I be working for a company at that time or searching for a job that involves a challenge? Will I be chasing a different girl? Well that’s the fun about not knowing what’s ahead of us. And that’s why our paths are different. We may be in the same financial field but…..it’s funny I don’t know what to write next. There’s a small voice in my head saying “so what!” My mind still believes there is some sort of hope but I’m listening to my heart from now on!

I may be doubting myself but she has true potential and I don’t want to drag her down. Plus I’m not the type of person she’s looking for and I can’t force that. I can still see her as a friend and that makes me happy. These past days I’ve been feeling miserable and that’s maybe because of the stress at work and thinking about her at the same time. But hell with that it seems thinking about the future makes me more motivated and excited because of the prosperity involved but I need to not get carried away.

Happiness is the key to life 🙂

To You

Most of the times when I write a blog it’s quite rushed and maybe the message I was trying to get across never happens due to the time limit I have, but I would like to spend more time at writing one, and it starts with this one…

Today is Tuesday 16th June 2015 at 11:07am. Outside looks cloudy but I see sunshine. I’ve taken two days off at work and happily relaxing at home. What is running through my mind at this moment of time? A lot of things to be honest and mostly are long-term goals, and what should I do today because really I booked 2 days off work and haven’t planned anything. Before I booked those days off I really wanted to ask you if you was free on them days so we could catch up…but it never happened. I really want to see you again but a part of me rather stays quiet and forget of having any hopes.

I realised that everything is useless when the first step is not achieved. I wonder why do I even think about her. I mean it’s not love for sure but missing her presence maybe? I know she would think about me at times but the feeling isn’t mutual at all. Yes she treats me as a friend but it’s my own fault at pretending something can work out when really there wasn’t anything at the start. When I’m writing this I get these high hopes of being together and suddenly the negative thoughts come rushing in and collides with each other and it becomes a stalemate of emotions.

We’ve spoke of our future and where we would like to be and it’s quite interesting to listen to be honest. Not taking any love in account but sharing where we could be in like 5 or 10 years is rather funny. Sometimes I wonder is she leaving any tips in her messages that there could be something for us to work out but I rather not have any high hopes at all. But back to the topic, if I can’t even reach the first point…what’s the point? It’s not losing hope but facing the harsh reality. Maybe I haven’t met anyone who can really understand me as a person and unfortunately she was the only person, and even now and that has led to the situation now. I don’t regret this at all because I know I’ve fallen for someone who is not only a good friend but someone who is beautiful too. Lets put my dream aside for once and live real. We’ll live our lives separately like we’re doing now, achieve the best we can and if it happens, it happens.

I know we’re at the point in life where our actions decide the future, and we wouldn’t want to take the wrong one. Reality has hit us I know that and what you’ve decided to do for the next year is your choice. Sometimes I wonder what the outcome will be in a year time. Could there really be a chance?

Once I get to that point then really there is no waiting left and that’s what I’m afraid of. I could have lost you in a year time and that’s what pains me. Stop the negativity I know…in a year time I hope I would have achieved my goals and I would be confident to face the harsh reality regardless whether I’m with you or not. But deep down I would like to. Do you know what this is? It’s doubts. It stops me from believing and taking the necessary steps at achieving what I want. I doubt my own abilities. Sometimes I feel I’m not good enough for you and that drags me down. That’s why in a year time I hope…hope for something good to happen that is.

If I have you now I know I wouldn’t have enough for you. I’m not at that stage where I really don’t doubt myself or have that confidence. I would love to travel around like you’ve been but….but I don’t know. There are a lot of things I like to do, but until I get to that point (in a year time) then I know deep down I am ready to face the world and face you. But at this moment of time I’m still a small fish in a very small pond raring to leap out and swim in the open sea.

In my last relationship with a girl at university she told me that I need to open up if you really want to see the bigger picture in life. She is right. Living in such a simple life, a simple family has molded the person I am now. Maybe I’m scared to step out the box and go to the unknown? I always did believe at finding the one. The one person I love to be with. I still do. But convincing myself that it’s really her is difficult. My doubts are holding me back and what she decides to do in the future is the big question mark.

All I need her to say to me is “I’ll wait for you” and that’s it. That will decide the future. But without that I’m living life full of doubts and fears until the right time approaches. I think she knows I will work hard for the future but there’s something that’s holding her back which I don’t know. She can get anyone she likes and the real question is why me? In the world she can be the one girl I want, but am I person she really wants? I can answer that…no. That’s why my doubts are pulling me back. I can be best hubby in the world proving financial security for my family one day, but one thing I could lack is the excitement. She wants to be with someone who can keep her happy everyday and do everything else without any restraints, and by writing this it doesn’t sound like me. I can offer all my love and finance to her but it’s not enough. Maybe I’m wrong and she desires something else, but whatever the outcome is I hope I can reflect on my weaknesses now and ensure I can be the best thing that happens to her in her life.

In the process of achieve great knowledge and wealth I may lose her. I wish I can say this to you in person, but you’re important to me. At the beginning I was feeling negative but right now the positivity is surging through me and I have a good feeling things will get better in time. I can’t promise I will always be there to make you smile but I can say this…..by taking this one step today I intend to not let you down Nicky.

Love from…

To be sad or to be happy?

While staring outside my bedroom window something hit me…I mean not physically haha I mean mentally in my mind. What if I wake up one day realising I don’t have any feelings for her anymore? It seems crazy to even think about it but it seems not too far away to be honest.

Even though I’ve mentioned it many times but I’ll say it once again. In my mind I have you, but my heart just can’t accept the fact that I don’t have you at all and it’s been nothing more mere illusion. If you ask is that how I really feel? What is the point of chasing something that’s not really there right. There maybe was a small spark a few years ago but if you’re saying now it’s pretty much all digital and the chance of seeing you again pains me to wait. I can say I am sad at this moment of time because I can’t do anything to get you. Maybe if I can actually tell her one day to “wait for me” I wonder what her response will be. She is a great friend, a great girl. It’s a shame that I can’t get over her any time soon. Am I trying to push her away? I can’t live a life believing in something I can’t get. You can say I lose hope easily but if she really believed in something for “us” then there is hope. I know she can find a really nice guy out there but it’s a pity it won’t be me. I’m pretty much a short-ass haha and I totally blame myself and my selfish pride which has led me to be this. I haven’t been in a relationship for such a long time I probably treat her more like a friend. I guess until I meet her in person again one day, then I can only decide if my feelings are real rather than being consumed in this digital world. But that day seems so far away and what will happen in a year time? Well a lot can happen and I don’t put 100% on her because I only see disappointment.

There are days I am positive and can take each day as it comes. There are days like what I wrote above…that negativity. I’ve always learnt to face reality and don’t lose myself in this bullshit. I’ve even wrote my future about and what I’m expecting in my career and with her. It may be optimistic yes but I have a vision on what I would like to achieve. I’ve wrote I want to be her no matter the cost and would sacrifice certain things to have her. I’m not saying I take back what I all said before, but sometimes you just gotta take a step back and look at the situation more clearly. I don’t want to explain this situation but I don’t know if it’s just stupidity or having so much faith on this one girl.

Yes I love her. I just don’t see this working out in the future anymore…do you know why? Commitment. Love. Honesty. These are important to me in a relationship and if these doesn’t exist what is the true purpose of a relationship? Don’t take me wrong I want something to last forever until we’re old and grey aha. I even promised (I think) to wait for you after I graduate and avoid any girls at university, but it seems I need to take this back. Like I said at the beginning, it’s just been all in my head, a mere illusion. I don’t have any high hopes at meeting someone at university, but as long as there’s a flicker of hope still in me, there is a chance.

Since you’re with someone now, I can only (祝你) wish you you seek what you’re looking for. We’re still good friends and like in one of my songs, “maybe we’re meant to be…I mean just friends and nothing more”. I can still accept we can be friends but anything past that…isn’t worth it. You still motivate me to reach my temporary goals within this year but that’s pretty much it. To be sad or to be happy? I want to seek happiness. You do bring out the best in me but everything else is an illusion.

…可惜我咪你嘅對象 😦

13 Scientifically Proven Signs You’re in Love

1. “This one’s special”

When you’re in love, you begin to think your beloved is unique. The belief is coupled with an inability to feel romantic passion for anyone else. Fisher and her colleagues believe this single-mindedness results from elevated levels of central dopamine — a chemical involved in attention and focus — in your brain.

2. “She’s perfect”

People who are truly in love tend to focus on the positive qualities of their beloved, while overlooking his or her negative traits. They also focus on trivial events and objects that remind them of their loved one, day-dreaming about these precious little moments and mementos. This focused attention is also thought to result from elevated levels of central dopamine, as well as a spike in central norepinephrine, a chemical associated with increased memory in the presence of new stimuli. [5 Surprising Animal Love Stories ]

3. “I’m a wreck!”

As is well known, falling in love often leads to emotional and physiological instability. You bounce between exhilaration, euphoria, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, trembling, a racing heart and accelerated breathing, as well as anxiety, panic and feelings of despair when your relationship suffers even the smallest setback. These mood swings parallel the behavior of drug addicts. And indeed, when in-love people are shown pictures of their loved ones, it fires up the same regions of the brain that activate when a drug addict takes a hit. Being in love, researchers say, is a form of addiction.

4. “Overcoming the challenge made us closer”

Going through some sort of adversity with another person tends to intensify romantic attraction. Central dopamine may be responsible for this reaction, too, because research shows that when a reward is delayed, dopamine-producing neurons in the mid-brain region become more productive.

5. “I’m obsessed with him”

People who are in love report that they spend, on average, more than 85 percent of their waking hours musing over their “love object.” Intrusive thinking, as this form of obsessive behavior is called, may result from decreased levels of central serotonin in the brain, a condition that has been associated with obsessive behavior previously. (Obsessive-compulsive disorder is treated with serotonin-reuptake inhibitors.)

6. “I wish we could be together all the time”

People in love regularly exhibit signs of emotional dependency on their relationship, including possessiveness, jealousy, fear of rejection, and separation anxiety.

7. “I hope we stay together forever”

They also long for emotional union with their beloved, seeking out ways to get closer and day-dreaming about their future together.

8. “I’d do anything for her”

People who are in love generally feel a powerful sense of empathy toward their beloved, feeling the other person’s pain as their own and being willing to sacri?ce anything for the other person.

9. “Would he like this outfit?”

Falling in love is marked by a tendency to reorder your daily priorities and/or change your clothing, mannerisms, habits or values in order for them to better align with those of your beloved.

10. “Can we be exclusive?”

Those who are deeply in love typically experience sexual desire for their beloved, but there are strong emotional strings attached: The longing for sex is coupled with possessiveness, a desire for sexual exclusivity, and extreme jealousy when the partner is suspected of infidelity. This possessiveness is thought to have evolved so that an in-love person will compel his or her partner to spurn other suitors, thereby insuring that the couple’s courtship is not interrupted until conception has occurred. [5 Strange Courting Rituals from Around the World]

11. “It’s not about sex”

While the desire for sexual union is important to people in love, the craving for emotional union takes precedence.  A study found that 64 percent of people in love (the same percentage for both sexes) disagreed with the statement, “Sex is the most important part of my relationship with [my partner].”

12. “I feel out of control”

Fisher and her colleagues found that individuals who report being “in love” commonly say their passion is involuntary and uncontrollable.

13. “The spark is gone”

Unfortunately, being in love usually doesn’t last forever. It’s an impermanent state that either evolves into a long-term, codependent relationship that psychologists call “attachment,” or it dissipates, and the relationship dissolves. If there are physical or social barriers inhibiting partners from seeing one another regularly — for example, if the relationship is long-distance — then the “in love” phase generally lasts longer than it would otherwise.

http://www.livescience.com/33720-13-scientifically-proven-signs-love.html

My Instagram: winglun8

Hi everybody, hope all is well! 🙂 Normally I would have a topic on my problems but this time I’m just sharing my instagram account 🙂

“Every passenger who goes to 2046 has the same intention, to recapture lost memories.” – 2046 (Film)

I try balance my instagram with both photos of myself and the things I like and what’s important is illustrating a blog…a slideshow through this. I use to upload mostly selfies which at one point I realised it’s stupid and since my account is public I try not open myself too much. It’s like Tumblr…people who would like to understand me as a person more, my page shows what my interests are and the stuff I like doing so if you have Tumblr follow me:

http://tsangwinglun.tumblr.com

Since I’m a designer I like to keep things in order or it has a logical sense of order and on both of my instagram accounts (ilovehk80s) everything follows up, well I try 😀 I’m quite the vintage person as well, it’s fairly hard to find people who has that same taste as me but that’s life haha I hope I meet people like me.

Anyways peeps that’s pretty much it haha. Stay positive and progress in life…peace!! 🙂

戀無可戀

Going downhill

Really really annoyed now 😈 What I’ve planned for this “future”…for this year to be my year…to really achieve the things I want. Well so far has been going downhill and I can say there are more negatives and positives and I’m just so peed off *sigh.

When something doesn’t go your way grr. It’s wierd. When I really want to focus at doing something it gets interrupted and when I lose motivation I sit there and nothing tends to fire my way. This is definitely a challenge!!! This is how bad I want it now. My pride, my music, and my love life. I know life won’t be there fair and there will be one I will need to give it up.

I’m trying to lose weight but for the past two weeks it been difficult food due to parties and parents feeding me shit loads. Do they want a fat kid swear down?! And I still control my hairstyle. I like my hair long but I can tell they dislike it. Jeez it is MY hair…sometimes I want to go bald so I don’t need to hear them complaining…well I have around this time last year.

Throwing all different aspect into one big picture…wow what a headache. Maybe I over complicate things myself? There are a few more points I have not mentioned here and I prefer it that way. At the end of this week I just hope I can clear my mind and set things straight…just so annoyed right now.

Nike+ Running Comparison

_____________________________

August 12th 2012
Ran: 3 miles
Duration: 48:03
Avg Pace: 15’46”
Calories: 292

June 30th 2013
Ran: 2.9 miles
Duration: 27:25
Avg Pace: 9’13”
Calories: 301

June 8th 2014
Ran: 3.1 miles
Duration: 25:16
Avg Pace: 8’07”
Calories: 318

June 7th 2015
Ran: 2.6 miles
Duration: 26’51”
Avg Pace: 10’01”
Calories: 268

_____________________________

To be honest that is a pathetic pitiful performance…I mean seriously. I may be hard at myself for not doing better this morning at running but overall it is terrible. Okay when I started off running in the first month of August in 2012 I was practicing at running and the methods that were needed at that time, but looking across all 4 years…pathetic. Literally I mean between 2013 and 2014 that was when I was in a “state” where I have improved quite substantially at running and at pacing myself, and the results above proves it.

Today my running felt weak. I felt I didn’t pace myself properly at the beginning and throughout the course my asthma started to kick in and weaken me. Such excuses blah. My legs were still able to push me. I had the right music playlist to motivate me. BUT my heart felt tight and wheezy. My heart was pumping fast. To be honest the last proper run I did was a few months back in February 2015 when I went running with my friend and that performance was “good”. But until now this has been the only run I’ve done and that gap has made a difference in my running performance. As I’ve mentioned previously I’ve already lost half of my pride in that charity 10K race back in November 2014 and I was at my prime then ha.

I guess my objective is to stick to running 5-6K consistently and maintain my health as much as possible. Running that duration is great for me, and I have no intention at pushing myself back at running 10K because I’m not built at running that long and with my “excuse” I’m not pushing myself anymore. Forget about that pride. Even though if I run 10K again and improve bit by bit, sooner or later I will lose most of it and start again so i rather not waste my time. Look at now…look at my performance over the course of 4 years…started rock bottom, shot up high sky and dropped back down…I need to maintain my performance and health over the next few years as much as possible.

Why do I run? Well I run for my health for defo! Hmm another reason is to catch my train on time after university or at work haha 😀 I need to run to chase the right girl 😛 But I definitely don’t run away from my problems, I face them regardless how hard they are!

Thoughts

To Worry or Not To Worry?

For the past few days this feeling has been worrying me. As each day is passing by the tension within me builds up and it has got to a point where it feels like my time is up. What can I offer now…nothing to satisfy her that’s for sure 😦

I mean maybe im having this high expectation in my mind but in reality it’ll be different…who knows!? But for her standard I would guess she would expect something above average and thats what I’ve been trying to do, but failing most of the times. That’s why I’ve been setting myself this target in my mind that in 15 months or 465 days I can achieve all the goals I have laid out previously and she can be proud of me. But most importantly I can look back and say wow what an improvement.

You may say im doing these things for her but at the same time doing this for myself and the future, and regardless whether im with her or not I would be at a whole new level when I reach my goals in 15 months time. Plus it’s not called selfish haha, rather self improvement I say 😄

The main worry is the day after tomorrow. That is where the whole situation changes at chasing her. Well maybe a bit but I my main goal is not losing her at all. It can go either way but really…I hope it goes my way 😝 I just need to remember not to get my hopes too high as it could change suddenly and would probably f*** my emotions up. But I pray everything goes to plan…or shall I say let it be and see what happens? Well gotta work hard and hope for the best!!