It’s been lingering in my mind since that day and I feel that by writing all my feelings down here will ease the pain much more easier. Firstly this is is the girl I was briefly talking about in my last previous posts. Yep she’s that cute girl. “I can’t believe I fell for her, what attracted me to her was her pretty smile and her cute personality. I’m just smiling when I’m writing this because she is definitely the definition of cute“. I will never forget her smile and personality because those won my heart with such ease. I hugged her but I wouldn’t call that a hug because time flew too quick, but I would do anything for a proper hug, so warm and loving. I always dreamed I would meet that type of girl and OMG it came true, but my selfish pride had a part to play for my departure. She was truly pretty and I just can’t help but not think about her.
My pride. Well most of my closer friends know the type of person I am. This can include people who have been following me on this blog too. I can’t see the future unless I’m with a Chinese girl. Yes I have mentioned several times to my friends and bloggers here I would like to marry a Chinese girl. I am traditional, but seeing that this has never happened before, falling inlove for this girl who wasn’t Chinese felt awkwardly right, but my pride just steps in straight away.
I’ve know her for just over three months but the outcome was expected. I told her I had to let go because I loved her too much. It’s true…I’ve never felt so inlove with this particular girl. But the end is we’ve parted our way. I chose this. I’m quite a serious person in life and friends know that, but all I’m communicating to people is yes it’s not good and I need to relax, but when it’s about love, I take this very seriously. What’ the point of having a “relationship” where it’s just for that moment and not about the long-term. Why I put speech marks for “relationship” is because we’ve been quite close to each other and mainly telling literally everything about myself to her because I wanted her to understand me more rather than the book cover. Even though I’m a fool to say there is “us” when there isn’t, I just love her too much. But wait there was a problem. Relationships are worth fighting for, but not if you are the only one fighting right? We had arguments, but every time I wanted to disappear I seem to be coming back all the time and she didn’t tell me to stay at all. You get in the biggest fights with the people you care about the most, because those are the relationships you’re willing to fight for. That’s the reason I came back all the time because I didn’t want to lose her, but she wasn’t fighting for anything. At that last moment, I asked the simplest question to her because I hated our long-lasting arguments: what do I mean to you? She never gave an answer which was sad but I’ll just pretend that knowing her for the past three months were just a lie. It hurts to think like this but she didn’t feel anything about me.
So this is the point. Why carry on this when one side is only fighting and not willing to give up? Even if we are together we will only be for that “moment” and not for the future. Who am I kidding, if I go back to her and start all over again, yes I love her to bits…but sometimes you just need to accept that some people can only be in your heart but not in your life. I can’t express how much feelings I have for her but all I can explain in a very simple way is that I love her. I guess she will never understand, but deep down I know she does but what’s holding us back is my pride! I can’t help it, if we ever be together we’ll be facing the entire world. But hey think positive I do but only for that moment. When she leaves I don’t know how to cope without her. So letting go now will save tons of tears for both us. I don’t know what goes through her mind and telling me to move on just like that I feel upset yet frustrated. I just don’t know how she feels about me, but what difference would that make. My pride will always be a part in me, and it hurts to face the truth. How would family react, friends or anyone. Yes they will be happy in the outside but the inside there will be disappointments.
If one day if our paths crossover, I’ll be glad to hold your hands yet again. I miss her every day but as harsh as it sounds I cannot see myself with her in the future but only for the moment. It’s hard to not think about her every single day because it was her personality which attracted me to her and what I dreamed of. I really didn’t want to let go on that particular day because I knew something wasn’t right with her, I mean maybe something happened to her and adding my disappointment to her at leaving was not right. If I didn’t let go, our arguments would carry on to another day and my love will just get stronger each day until my heart pops out. Sometimes I want to pray for us to be together, but we will never be be together as long as my pride exists. I can’t rescue this “relationship” anymore, it’s not worth fighting anymore. I want to send this entire post to her, but what difference does that make? Nothing…
Thank you,
Love me.
tsangwinglun 